Tuesday, October 12, 2010

How to Train Your Model

We watched “How to Train Your Dragon” last night. It has a rating of 98% on Rotten Tomatoes, one of the highest I have ever seen. The animation is spectacular, the storyline interesting and as the end approaches you have that feeling of “What the hell are they going to do now?” This is a good thing.

The last fifteen minutes of the movie needs work. The “What the hell they did do now” didn’t make sense on any number of levels. I won’t spoil the movie for you since it just came out on video but I give it a 7.5 out of 10. It’s very kid friendly; it’s worth the rental, but certainly not worth 98% on RT.

America’s Next Top Model (ANTM) has become a show we enjoy almost as much as Top Chef. Like any good competition reality show, the main cast is excellent; the host is stunning, funny, kind and wise. You grow to love and hate certain competitors as the weeks progress.

It has inspired spin-offs as well as being broadcast in a hundred and fifty countries. There is a Canada’s Next Top Model, an Amsterdam’s Next Top Model, Australia’s Next Top Model, etc. At dinner last night we started to (hilariously) wonder what those shows would be like. See, America’s Next Top Model follows a certain pattern.

1. The girl with the best body is voted off first. (Fake breasts are bad. Actually, even real breasts seem to be bad.)

2. The geeky girl with the big glasses, who doesn’t know how to apply make-up, inevitably takes the best pictures and walks the worst.

3. There’s always a black bitch, sometimes two, that everyone in the house hates. (Those aren’t my words, those are Tyra Banks while interviewing a contestant.) “I cast a girl who became the black bitch of the house in season one and another one did the same thing to me in season two. Some of the girls who I’ve been interviewing don’t speak too kindly of you. I don’t want any black bitches this season, you understand?”

4. High fashion apparently means you look like a broken doll on heroin.

5. Posing to look sexy is actually bad. Hunching your shoulders forward is good. Looking like someone has taken a tire iron to your legs before the shoot is the best pose.

6. Looking like a coat hanger with legs is the best possible body. But keep it healthy!

7. Show up to the elimination panel looking like a model. This usually means jeans and a tank top. No, I’m not kidding. Apparently that’s what models wear.

8. Not too little make-up, not too much.

Sadly, I have to wrap this up. I can’t make the rest of it work. Wendy and I had a whole dialogue about what challenges and judges’ panel would be like for France’s Next Top Model, Saudi Arabia’s Next Top Model, Canada’s Next Top Model and what the judges would say, but I’m afraid I would offend too many people. I need all the fans I can get so I’ll have to leave that discussion to your imagination and for you to fill in, in the comments section.

Just, think along the lines of what type of body they might be looking for in, say, Amsterdam, or what the challenges would be in France, or how would you dress for panel to look like a model in Saudi Arabia? I think you get the idea.

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